Tag: humor

#PoeticAnswers 6 – When You Were Little, What Did You Want to Be When You Grew Up?

During the misadventures of my youth
I was torn between
“Spaceman” and “dinosaur”.
But when you’re four,
You don’t know.

I knew I didn’t want to be an adult
Because adults were boring
And regularly abandoned me
In this weird room of bright colours and toys.
I should’ve been resentful, but I had toys.

I spent seventeen years
Locked in education,
Gaining the years and transforming.
Gaining and losing friends, sense and myself
But every day I’m still learning, I can’t be grown up

These days, I sit in an office
That slowly suffocates me.
I’m mature enough to know responsibility,
But I know I can’t be grown up,
I still have a Chewbacca bobble-head on my desk.

I’ve definitely grown old
And I’ve definitely grown out
But I haven’t grown up.
I still don’t know what I want to be.
I’m still torn between “Spaceman” and “dinosaur”.

Question from Cat T. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 5 – If Every Marvel Hero Went Up Against Every DC Superhero, Which Side Would End Up Winning?

The soldiers held their rank
Staring across the Incursion.
Staring into the void.
All was silent

The anger rose like a tidal wave.
As the warriors who could fly took to the air
A tsunami of capes and energy
Filled the skies on both sides.

One side held an infinite power
And had an army the size of several small countries.
The most dangerous stood near to the front line,
Impressive and horrifying in their mutated glory.

Behind them stood a legion of heroes
Who swore to avenge and protect Earth with their might.
Led by patriotic duty, and enforced with intelligence
With an iron garrison at their backs.

On the other side,
52 of the strongest beings from
Humanity and the galaxy
And from further beyond.

They had speed on their side,
And truth, gadgets and feminism.
Morality was their strong point,
Their foes had iron, but they had steel.

The soldiers held their rank
Staring across the Incursion.
Staring into the void.
All was silent.

Then Superman and the Flash said
“Hold my beer”
And that was the end of the matter.

#PoeticAnswers 4: What Is The Pointy End of a Strawberry Called?

My knowledge of the strawberry
Can only be described as limited.

I know the strawberry is a liar.
That’s not to say the strawberry
Has manipulated or deceived me
On an emotional level,
Because that would be
Fucking mental,
But the strawberry is not a berry.

I know the strawberry is a fruit.
This is not a statement or an assumption
on the sexuality of the deceitful strawberry,
If I wish to get technical,
This fruit is asexual,
Self-reproducing, Self-generating,
Much like… this poet.

I know the strawberry is a female,
Before you start, I am not assuming it’s gender
It’s just empirical, scientific fact.
Before I incite outrage,
Strawberries aren’t human,
They don’t feel,
We do not need “Justice For Strawberries”.

I know the strawberry has a hull,
Unlike a boat and England,
The strawberry’s hull is at the top
Not the bottom or in the middle
Slightly to the right,
However, like England, the hull is
Green, boring and tasteless

Strawberries are the first fruit to ripen in the spring,
Strawberries on average have 200 seeds,
Strawberries are considered to be roses by scientists,
Scientists don’t often make sense but we trust their judgement anyway
Strawberries have a dedicated museum in Belgium
I had to go to Belgium to find out these facts about strawberries
Strawberries are actively driving me insane
The word strawberry and it’s variants are featured in this poem 19 times
I used to love strawberries until I wrote this poem

I know you asked me
What the pointy end of a strawberry is called
But the truth of the matter is
No one knows
And I don’t want to know either.

Question from Laura W. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 1: Will You Buy Me A Fidget Spinner?

Father,
I’ve been so good
I deserve a reward
Father
I beg you
Don’t be untoward
To the request that
I must now make.
Father,
Please will you buy me a fidget spinner?
I promise to eat all my carrots at dinner
I promise to do this that and the other
I promise to stop beating up my wee brother
“I don’t know Timmy,
Go ask your mother”
Mother,
I’ve been so good
I deserve a reward
Mother
I beg you
Don’t be untoward
To the request that
I must now make.
Mother,
Please will you buy me a fidget spinner?
“Ugh, Timmy, fuck off”