#PoeticAnswers 59 – Someone Called Me From This Number, Can You Help Me Figure Out Why?

Thank you for calling,
How can I help?
I’m sorry, I don’t have that information,
Can I take some of your information?
I can try to make an informed decision
I can try to draw a logical conclusion
I can try to-

I’m sorry?
Well no I don’t know,
I need to know more
Before I can find out who knows
What you’re supposed to know,
So if you could let me know
A little more about-

I’m just the receptionist,
I’m just the front desk,
I’m trying to do my best
But I need to know the rest
Of your information, I can’t guess
Or things could become a mess
So if I could just-

If you-
Could you-
Can I-
Would you-
Ma’am if-
I need-
SHUT UP AND LET ME HELP YOU.

I need your name,
Your address,
Your contact telephone number,
Your email address,
Blood type,
Mother’s maiden name,
The fourth and seventh number of your bank card.

Thank you,
Was that so hard?
You want help?
I need help,
Professional help,
Psychiatric help
Because of customers like you.

It’s people like you
That make me want to
Change the ‘S’ to an ‘N’ in customer.
It’s people like you
That make me want to
Put a motor on my stapler and go on a rampage.
It’s people like you-

I’m sorry,
Did you just say ‘sorry’?
You’re the first person to ever say sorry.
I’m not saying sorry.
I’m sorry you feel that way.
I’m sorry but-
Sorry?

I’m sorry,
You have the wrong number.

Question from Felicia W. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 57 – Why Am I Sticky?

It could be all matter of obscenities
And extremities
Which could be the source
Of my stickiness.

It could be the beer,
Sweet and sticky
And definitely
The wrong choice for this party.

It could be their breath,
So close it leaves condensation on your eardrums
And so heavy it drowns out the techno.

It could be the sweat,
Dripping, glistening and refracting
Looking like a perverse fancy dress
Where everyone wears glass.

Realistically,
It’s all of the above but
It’s mostly semen.

Question from my favourite li’l pervert, Arzoo.

#PoeticAnswers 49 – Why Aren’t You Listening to Smash Mouth’s “All Star” Right Now?

Somebody once told me
That this song was the
Greatest Song in The World.
I believed them,
At the time, I wasn’t exactly
The sharpest tool in the shed.

I now realise I was wrong,
And the only people who believed it
Might as well have had their
Finger and their thumb in
Their ears, blocking out
All other opinions and
Never experienced real music.

YouTube is suffocating,
The parodies start coming
And they don’t stop coming,
With more samples than
Costco on a Saturday
And more covers than
The bedding section of IKEA

It’s spreading like a virus,
It’s spreading like an STD,
Infecting ears and brains
Like stereo herpes
Like cold sores on my inner ear,
An uncomfortable nuisance
Causing rage and discomfort
Proving that all that glitters
is not golden.

It needs to stop
I need to get away from this place
Things need to change.
We could all use a little change.
I’ll change the DVD to Shrek 2
And hope for the best.

Question from Michael Clark, and now I’ve got this song stuck in my head.

#PoeticAnswers 48 – Why Don’t You Have Any Pictures On Your Phone?

If memories were as easy to
Delete as the photographs on my phone,
I probably wouldn’t be happy.
Losing the past becomes as
Horrifically easy as
Just an uncoordinated finger.

New Age amnesia
Has become my downfall
Dyspraxia and tremors
Leave me shaking with anger
As precious memories
Of concerts, friends and my dog
Disappear into the digital aether.

Technology is supposed to make things easier,
An extension of ourselves
Keeping the memories that overflow
In a safe space.
But time and time again, my phone has
Proved it is just as fucked up and broken as me.

Or on the rare occasion that
An android update has not annihilated my fragile memory,
I have only myself and Google to blame.
The delete icon next to the upload icon
Without an option to cancel
Feels like a challenge for my broken hands.

I can feel your criticism already,
Why didn’t you back them up,
Why didn’t you set it up automatically?
It was, but because my phone is me,
It was too much and caused frequent crashes.
Now, my phone has as much memories as I do.
And the moral of the story is
Fuck Android.

This question and poem come are based on an early draft of a poem called “Digital Amnesia”

#PoeticAnswers 46 – Is It Bedtime Yet?

I want to say yes,
But it’s only two-thirty.
Ten hours to go.

Sorry, not quite yet.
We need you to do something,
It shouldn’t take long.

The buses don’t run,
You’ll need to walk home, sorry.
Should take an hour.

Home at last, bedtime.
What’s that noise? No, it can’t be.
It’s time to get up.

I ask myself this every day.  

#PoeticAnswers 45 – Do You Think Snails Are Horrified by Hermit Crabs?

I was honestly suprised to discover
That this is a genuine thing.
I think it’s easy to forget that
The circle of life extends to those
Beneath the waves,
Where the seaweed is greener
And aquatic creatures roam and take control.

A humble sea snail,
A quiet, reserved soul
Gently and slowly meanders among
The coral and sponges.
He says hello to his friends,
And all creatures are his friends
Because he has no anemones.

But despite all his friends,
He is often alone
When he retreats into his home
There is no room for company
So he leaves himself exposed.
Unsuspecting and trusting,
Taking life at his own pace.

One day he passed away.
A clownfish suggested that
“It was his tide”.
The pun went unappreciated.
All the sea creatures went to his “fineral”.
Apart from the clownfish.
They weren’t allowed due to inappropriate humor.

But it was a beautiful ceremony,
Angelfish sang a heavenly requiem.
They say the sea is so salty
Because of the tears of fish at funerals for snails.
This is probably not the case,
But a funeral is not the time to argue semantics.
He fell out his shell and was buried in the reef.

A few days later,
A homeless hermit crab was
Gently and slowly meandering among
The coral and sponges.
No friends, no anemones,
Perfectly cold and alone.
Until he saw sad, empty shell.

He knocked once, and then twice
Thought to himself
“This shell looks nice”
He retreated inside,
It wasn’t too big,
But this could be home.
He slept on the seabed, safe and warm.

But then uproar commenced.
The sea creatures were incensed
By a mighty rage for their fallen comrade.
“This shell isn’t yours!”
A voice cried,
“How can you be so shellfish?”
Everyone turned to the clownfish and stared in disgust.

But then the waters turned still,
A voice came from the reef,
Quiet and reserved,
It was beyond belief,
The ghost of the snail said, “We’ll I’ll be damned”
“Friends, don’t be cruel to this poor, little crab,
“Did I teach you nothing in my time on the sand?”

“I’m now one with the waves and don’t need my home,
This crab’s just like me, don’t let him feel alone
Sweet little crab, if you come out of your shell,
You’ll become friends with these fishfolk,
They really are swell!”
The sea creatures felt ashamed and extended their fins,
The old snail was right, they let the crab in.

The ghost fell away into silence
And the sea came alive.
Some wondered why the ghost of the snail
Chose to speak in rhyme because it wasn’t like him,
But they mostly came together to welcome
The lonely hermit crab,
Realising that the real horror is prejudice.

The correct term for this is commensalism
I like to think of it as a
Bizarre ritual of inheritance
And a symbol of hope and new life
On the ocean floor.
This means the snail is not horrified but accepting of change,
And we can all learn from the sea creatures.

Apart from the clownfish.
They’re just inappropriate and insensitive.

Question from Taylor D. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 43 – How Did You Discover Amanda Palmer?

This romance happened by chance,
A brief introduction in a theatre class,

We were working on a production of
“A Midsummer Night’s Dream”,
Which was slowly turning into a nightmare
Due to the director’s tendency to be laissez-faire
And the actors didn’t seem to care
As actors tend to do.

My friend and ally,
Let’s call her Lucy because,
Well, that was her name.
She played Puck and Lysander
Spoke with virtue and candour
And she was not down with this chaos-

But that’s another story,
I might tell that one later-

But we clicked and connected,
Our personalities blended,
I was Oberon to her Puck,
Although I wish I had the luck
To be Hermia to her Lysander,
I really should have asked her-

Sorry I got distracted,
But you see, this girl impacted
My life in such a way during this
Awful, awful play,
And she introduced me to the sound
Of the Queen of the Boston underground.

(You’re welcome to complain,
But I just needed a rhyme).

My eyes were opened to beauty and truth
After awkwardly being sent “Delilah” by Bluetooth,
Then ‘A is for Accident’ and then ‘Yes Virginia’
Starting with the songs that were nearly vanilla,
Before ascending to madness with ‘Missed Me’ and ‘Backstabber’
All thanks this bodacious, genderfluid Lysander.

And though we’ve drifted apart, I still have Amanda.
She’s a constant, vibrant, talented reminder
Of the past and a force saying things will be better
Forming groups on Facebook, providing a shelter
For the outcasts and artists, the mad and fantastic
From across the Pacific, South Seas and Atlantic.

If these rhymes have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended:

I’ve got this girl, Shakespeare and you to blame,
For all this support and love and I have no shame
When I commit these awful crimes of rhyme.
So darling, if you have the time,
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Amanda shall restore amends.

Question from Delaney A.

#PoeticAnswers 38 – How Do You Put Pen to Paper and Create Pages of Art from a Single Question?

It’s a game,
You don’t play to win
You don’t play to lose
You just play.
It’s word play.

Toying around with the
Definition and etymology
Examining the psychology
Of the written and spoken word.

Playing with literary lego blocks
With Daddy Dictionary
And Mummy Thesaurus.
Building up, breaking down,
Tripping over my words and making a mess.

What rhymes, what emotes,
What persuades, what compels.
Every word has a meaning,
And the words that explain that meaning
Also have a meaning.

I set up interracial marriages
Between Nouns and Adjectives,
Sometimes the most unlikely of couples
Can be the greatest relationship they’ve ever had.

I play the adventurer exploring the infinity
Behind the infinitesimal.
It’s like finding the story
Behind each grain of sand
That helped build the desert.

There are words behind everything.
Every song, every photo, every story.
Those words are there for a reason.
And we don’t know if they were there or it was all accidental.

And those are the stories I want to tell.

Question from ‘A Curious Follower’ from my WordPress Contact Box!  Ooh, mysterious!

#PoeticAnswers 35 – Are Vampires Halal?

I understand your thought process
Due to the blood-letting
But due to religious tones, I confess
The subject matter could be upsetting

Traditional vampires bite straight in the throat.
Modern vampires are somewhat irregular;
Going to blood banks, tampons or even goats
As opposed to going straight for the jugular

The religious process of prayer,
And the method of draining the blood,
Does not truly follow the requisites of a vampire.
Due to similarities of Islamic and Christian faith, I doubt they would try, even if they could.

Vampirism is not halal but if this is not satisfactory,
There is but one near exception, her name is Erzsébet Báthory.

Question from my good friend, Isla M. 

#PoeticAnswers 34 – What Do We Have To Eat?

Spaghetti Bolognese: 

A Poetic Recipe for Disaster

You will need:
Positive thoughts,
To be yourself
And denial to garnish.

You will also need:
A tin of chopped tomatoes
Passata,
A red onion,
A red pepper,
Mushrooms,
(If you can get a red mushroom
You can keep the theme going,)
Vegetarian mince (Almost definitely Quorn)
A beef Oxo cube
Black pepper, basil, oregano
And red wine.
Because it’s good for the soul.

Step One:
Have a glass of wine.

Step Two:
Have another glass of wine.

Step Three:
Begin by sautéing your
Onion, pepper and mushrooms.
Realise you have not cut your
Onion, pepper and mushrooms.
Realise you don’t know what
Sauté actually means,
Cut your fingers several times as you
Hastily attempt to cut the
Onion, pepper and mushrooms
Then throw the bloody mess
Into a pot with some red wine.

Step Four:
In a different pot,
Take your Quorn mince,
That beef Oxo cube,
And that pinch of denial
And throw them all together.

Step Five
Hate yourself.
Almost as much as you hate your girlfriend
For making you cut meat out of your diet,
But mostly hate yourself for trying to make it taste the same.
Tell yourself it tastes the same if you close your eyes.
Cry into the pot to give your dry ingredients something to stop them burning
And to add some salt to season.

Step Six:
You haven’t had a glass of wine in a while
Have a glass of wine.

Step Seven:
Halfway through cooking
And thinking everything is okay
And thinking you’re a competent human,
Realise you did not put spaghetti in the ingredients list,
And descend into a perturbing, pasta induced panic.
Take the cold still waters of you soul,
Place on your head and let your rage boil.
Accept this is futile,
Boil a kettle,
Take the kettle out of the pan
Hit yourself with the pan,
Fill the pan with water and place over heat
And question your education and life choices
That have led to this moment.

Step Eight:
Take your slightly alcoholic
And now mostly burnt vegetables
And throw in the passata and tinned tomatoes.
Season to taste.
Discover it tastes awful.
Add more wine.
Attempt to season further,
Throw literally everything in your herb collection
Into this raging ragu
Cry so much that it literally only tastes of
Your salty tears and wine.

Step Nine:
Add the pot of
Meat substitute and denial into the mix.

Step Ten
Empathise with your pasta,
You are currently as drained as your pasta
Both physically and emotionally.
Watch the water drain away
Into the dark void.
Wonder to yourself:
“How did it come to this?”

Step Eleven:
Be disgusted.
With everything.
Observe the mess that you’ve made,
Realise this is a perfect metaphor for your life.

Finally:
Give up,
Order Domino’s
Have another glass of wine.

Question from Justine F. from Facebook