Tag: humor

#PoeticAnswers 32 – Why Does The Earth Look Flat If It’s Round?

It could be described as
“A short-sighted view”
Which has caused the resurgence
Of the flat-earth theory.

For years, we’ve been saying
“The world is round”.
From Pythagorean proclamations,
All the way to Parmenides and Hesiod,
Scientific and mathematical minds
Across all of time have
Looked and succeeded to prove
That the world is spherical.

But now we’ve come full circle,
And we’re sinking in a downward spiral
Because it’s more than just gravity
Getting us down.

Logic has given way to celebrity
Scientologists and other idiots
Create endless conspiracy,
From the fallacies of evolution,
And vaccines ruining those in infancy,
We are in a world where progress
Has become the opposite of congress
And politics and facts are alternative.

Through combinations of science, mathematics,
And literal space travel we have literally seen
That the earth is a sphere.
I’m sorry if the correct use of literal has confused you.

Light travels in a straight line,
Despite who you are as a person,
I know you see straight.
Place a mark in the ocean
And swim to it while we hope the sharks get you
And then look back.
We won’t be there, because the land rolls away,
And, to be honest, we’re just not supportive.

You can search for the edge
Like a desperate U2 fan at Glastonbury,
But it will not be there.
You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

But if you keep swimming, you might come around to the right way of thinking.

Question from Denise K. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 99 – Are You Sure We Exist?

I think that I think I exist.
If thinking equals being,
Then I think that I exist.
But it’s not a conscious
Decision to will myself
Into this existence
And this is evident by
The persistent indecision
That I find myself facing
On a daily basis.

Because I’ve lived
My life thinking
“I think, therefore I am”
But I find I am in
A constant battle of
Positive versus negative
And logic dictates
I wouldn’t wish it
Upon myself so
Who did?

How would I know
If this wasn’t just
Some kind of crazy,
Inconsistent coma dream
From one too many
Car crashes, causing
Flashes of different lives
To flash across my eyes
In a systematic series of
Fortunate and unfortunate events.

Maybe this isn’t even me,
Maybe I’m someone else’s
Fantasy or hallucination,
A nighttime thought creation
Or process of dissociation,
A cultivation and culmination
And overall manifestation
Of stress and frustration
Or a figment of a
Perfect stranger’s imagination.

But at the risk of waxing existential,
I don’t think we’ve considered
The absolute potential of
Being part of an extraterrestrial
Game of The Sims.
Being trapped at the whims
And mercies of martians
Or deities who let us
Virtually have no control
In our lives.

Question from Justine F. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 90 – Why Do We Drive On Parkways And Park On Driveways?

It could be because it’s because
They are the way to their destination,
Driving on a parkway on our way to park,
Parking on a drive way before it leads to the road to drive on.
And maybe this sounds like poetic drivel
And like I’m trying to drive a point home
But the truth is:
The English language doesn’t make sense.

The whole thing has gone down in flames
Because flammable and inflammable
Both mean the same.
My nose has done more running than my legs
And I’ve seen people play more football with my hands.
And don’t get me talking about spelling
Because in Scotland and England
Spelled is spelt spelt but to an American
Spelt isn’t spelled spelt, it’s spelt spelled and
Although I’m very thorough with my reading,
Trying to read in Reading makes reading a bit tougher to do.

I thought I knew the English language,
But today I learned something new,
I am not all that learned in the English language,
I think I’ll switch to French,
Now adieu.

Question from Molli T. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 87 – How Do I Get My Children To Flush?

Through a vast amount of trial and error,
I’ve found a way to make
My three foot terror
Flush the bloody toilet.

After many tries to be inventive and
Failed offerings of food and cash incentives,
The little buggers now
Flush the bloody toilet.

And though they didn’t react
When I put them up for adoption,
The little bastards now have no option but to
Flush the bloody toilet.

Now thanks to gravity and super glue,
I don’t have to see their number ones or twos.
Now the only thing that they can do is
Flush the bloody toilet.

Question from Kristin S. from Facebook

#PoeticAnswers 82 – Are You A Poet?

I know it seems hard to believe
That I wear my heart and soul on my sleeve
And my vocal chords and
Stand up in front of my fellow humans
And regale them with poetic tales
And awful rhymes about
My time on this earth.

Because I don’t fill the traditional mould,
I’m not young enough to be fresh on the scene
And I’m not old enough to be established
And I’m not clean shaven enough
Or too beardy to seem as wordy
As I try to be.

And I don’t have a degree in English
From a top university like Edinburgh or Cambridge,
I went to a uni out of sight and mind
And studied sound and lighting design
So I understand the quiet rage
That some people have when I step on the stage because
I spent years trying to hide from it.

And I don’t have a beret
Or skinny fit jeans
Or a memory strong enough
To remember my own poems and
It feels like I’m in a dream because
After this I have to go back to the
Corporate machine and

I don’t have books of Wordsworth or
Shakespeare and I don’t write every day and
It gives me the fear that I’m a fraud and
All of this will disappear like
Chalk on a pavement or rational thoughts into a beer so
I’ll take this neuroticism and use it to
Justify all my actions and make this seem real, so

Yes I am a poet because
I’ve got crippling depression and
And a a tormented childhood
And a mental state that barely exists
And I’m not afraid to show it and
That makes me a troubled artist.
So yes, I am a poet.
But I’m not sure I know it yet.

Question comes from a work colleague who didn’t realise what I do as a sideline.

#PoeticAnswers 78 – Are Millennials Ruining The Table Industry?

Today’s headline in
“Let’s Blame The Millennials Daily”,
Aka The Internet,
The people,
Aka the privileged few pricks who
Pissed away the economy,
Have decided that my generation
Has brought on the untimely death of
The Table.

Yes, that’s right,
Due to sheer laziness
The millennial has now rendered
Fine carpentry a redundant industry.
They say it’s because we need everything
Put in front of us as though it’s obvious
And this is why the table is dying.
We’re a generation of laptops and lapdogs
And laptrays on which we display
Our meagre diets of ramen, avocado and IPA
As we sit in front of TVs watching indie cartoons and superhero movies
With subtitles on because
Millennials are so lazy
We don’t even listen to what we’re watching.

As a Millennial who
Does not identify as a Millennial
Due to the sheer stigma,
I would like to counter this argument.
Maybe if the economy was stable,
Buying a good table would be easy.
If good wood would be cheaper,
We’d spent less time in Ikea
Buying flatpack backpacks to
Carry our lives around as we
Rent our way through life.
I have seen too many tabletop games
Played on wooden floors and carefully angled doors
Which proves we want what we can’t afford or have.
Maybe it’s your determination for
Deforestation which had added limitations
To the wood industry and consequently tables.

But once again, we’re young and wrong
You’re old and right-wing,
And you’d rather have status quo
Over cash flowing to your children.
But one day, you will learn
Your argument is much like the table I don’t have:
No leg to stand on.

Question from my flatmate

#PoeticAnswers 67 – What Is ‘Green Eggs and Ham’ Really About?

Is it a metaphor for consumerism.
Regarding how the mass-market
Attempts to force new products down our throats,
Attempts to show that everything is replaceable
Attempts to make the new seem better and you should invest,
Despite the fact that the rich and obscene
Don’t really know what the people want or need?

Is it about mass-production,
A biting commentary on how
Saturation and over production
Is creating defects that are fit for consumption
But human nature encourages us to
Frown upon change and throw
Valued necessities away like yesterday’s trash?

Is it about genetic modification,
And how the scientific society has
Grown and developed to try to replace
Nature’s gifts before we destroy them,
But humanity is resilient and doesn’t want to
Give up on their heritage and history because
We hate and fear change and require
Something to blame for human misgivings?

Or am I overthinking it too much,
And it’s just a children’s book for children
Filled with colours and rhymes
To survive all of time,
Acting as a generational catalyst for
New and young readers?

Or is it just an important statement
About not eating Kermit and Miss Piggy’s children?

Question from my comedy buddy, Konal