#PoeticAnswers 41 – What Do You Think About When You’re Alone In Your Car?

I make the same journey every day and every day it’s different.

Memories and thoughts pass like cars on a busy highway,
Never stopping, just always moving
Rushing like they would rather move along
And be safe at home,
Away from the stop and start trouble and
Hustle and bustle of Edinburgh traffic.

Sometimes,
My mind travels far and wide,
Clocking in more miles than this
Little Volkswagen Beetle that
Crawls along at a steady pace
In the rat race of ife.
I think about what could have been what should have been and everything in between.
Like, what if I was related to the queen or
What if I asked out that colleague on a date,
What if they asked me out on a date,
Would either of us say yes,
Would it just be a regret?
Would I rather be invisible or psychic,
Are both powers essentially the same,
Have I just lost the game?”
And other conundrums and questions that
Sometimes have answers or are best left alone,
And blow away with the MacDonalds wrappers on the floor as I open my car door.

Sometimes,
I think about the mistakes that I made and the mistakes that I’m making.
Putting myself in a state of worry for twenty minutes
As I ponder and wonder
“What if my colleagues find out I’m autistic?
Is my autism showing or did I hide it?
Is it obvious that I’m always in a panic?
Can they see I’m not properly medicated?
Are my thoughts racing because of the mania,
Or just because I’m driving faster?
Am I driving faster because of the mania,
Or because my thoughts are racing?
Did I skip that red light?
Is that police car waiting for me?
Is that police car going to my house?”
Then I realise that I’m
Trapped in a carbon and fibreglass coffin,
Strapped in for my own safety,
With only my tears and fears for company.

Until I open the door,
And feel the rain and wind
Wrap around me like a familiar cold comfort.
Watch the rubbish fall out and fall apart,
And then I breathe again and go home

Question from Megan C. from Facebook

Author: mxcellanywriter

Edinburgh-based spoken word poet and musician. View all posts by mxcellanywriter